The following is from an article that I, regrettably, can’t cite.  I apparently misplaced the pages referencing the author.  However, it’s very interesting……..

1. The keys to sexual desire are positive anticipation and feeling you deserve sexual satisfaction in your intimate relationship.
2. Each person is responsible for his/her desire with the couple functioning as an intimate sexual team to nurture and enhance desire. Revitalizing sexual desire is a couple task.  Guilt, blame, and pressure subvert the change process.
3. Inhibited desire and conflicts over desire discrepancies is the most common sexual dysfunction, effecting one in three couples. Desire problems drain intimacy and good feelings from your relationship.
4. One in five married couples has a non-sexual marriage (being sexual less than ten times a year). One in three non-married couples who have been together two years or longer have a non-sexual relationship.
5. The initial romantic love/passionate sex relationship phase lasts less than two years and often only six months. Desire in an ongoing relationship is maintained by developing a comfortable, functional couple sex style.
6. The essence of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching. The prescription to revitalize and maintain sexual desire is intimacy, pleasuring, and eroticism.
7. Touching occurs both inside and outside the bedroom. Touching is valued for itself and does not always lead to intercourse.
8. Couples who maintain a vital sexual relationship can use the metaphor of touching consisting of “five gears” (dimensions). First gear is clothes on, affectionate touch, including hugging, kissing, holding hands.  Second gear is sensual touch, which can be clothed, semi-clothed, or nude (non-genital body massage, cuddling on the couch, holding and caressing, touching going to sleep or on awakening).  Third gear is playful touch which intermixes genital and non-genital touch, clothed or unclothed, romantic or erotic dancing, touching in the bath or shower, on the couch or in bed, whole body massage, playing strip poker or Twister.  Fourth gear is erotic touch (manual, oral, rubbing or vibrator stimulation) to high arousal and orgasm for one or both partners.  Fifth gear integrates pleasurable and erotic touch that flows into intercourse.  Intercourse is a natural continuation of the pleasuring/eroticism process.  Intercourse is not a pass-fail sex test.
9. Both the man and woman value affectionate, sensual, playful, erotic, and intercourse experiences.
10. Both the woman and man are comfortable initiating touching and intercourse. Both feel free to say “no” and suggest an alternative way to connect and share pleasure.
11. A key strategy is to develop “her,” “his,” and “our” bridges to sexual desire. This involves ways of thinking, talking, anticipating, and feeling that invite being sexual.
12. Sexuality has a number of positive functions for your relationship – a shared pleasure, a means to reinforce and deepen intimacy, and a tension reducer to deal with the stresses of life and the relationship.
13. The average frequency of sexual intercourse is from four times a week to once every two weeks. For couples in their twenties, the average is two-three times a week, and for couples in their fifties is once-twice a week.
14. Personal turn-ons (special celebrations or memories, feelings caring and close, erotic fantasies, anniversaries or birthdays, sex with the goal of pregnancy, initiating a favorite erotic scenario, being playful or spontaneous, sexuality to celebrate a career success or sooth a personal disappointment) facilitate sexual anticipation and desire.
15. External turn-ons (R or X-rated videos, music, candles, sex toys, visual feedback from mirrors, being sexual outside the bedroom, a weekend away without the kids) facilitate anticipation and desire.
16. Non-demand pleasuring can be a way to reinforce attachment, a means to share pleasure, or a bridge to sexual desire.
17. Intimate coercion is not acceptable. Sexuality is neither a reward nor a punishment. Sexuality is voluntary and pleasure-oriented.
18. Realistic expectations are crucial for maintaining a satisfying sexual relationship. It is self-defeating to demand equal desire, arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction each time. Realistically, thirty-five to forty-five percent of experiences are very good (mutual and synchronous) for both people.  Twenty percent are very good for one (usually the man) and fine for the other.  Fifteen to twenty percent are okay for one and the other finds it acceptable.  Be aware that five to fifteen percent of sexual experiences are dissatisfying or dysfunctional.  Couples who accept occasional mediocre or dysfunctional experiences without guilt or blaming and try again when they are open and responsive have a vital, resilient sexual relationship.  Satisfied couples use the guideline of Good Enough Sex (GES) to promote positive, realistic sexual expectations.
19. Contrary to the myth that “horniness” occurs after not being sexual for weeks, desire is facilitated by a regular rhythm of sexual experiences. When sex is less than twice a month, you become self-conscious and are in danger of falling into a cycle of anticipatory anxiety, tense and unsatisfying intercourse, and avoidance.
20. Healthy sexuality plays a positive, integral role in your relationship with the main function to energize your bond and reinforce feelings of desire and desirability. Paradoxically, conflictual or non-existent sex plays a more powerful negative role than the positive of good sex.

This is one of my favorite topics; usually men but not always.

Typically, I see a lot of men struggling with chronic patterns of viewing pornography, exhibitionism (exposing oneself in public) and voyeurism (“peeping”/ spying on unsuspecting persons in various quasi-sexual activities).

Other issues I have worked with include:

Couples struggling with sexuality compatibility, i.e., premature ejaculation; present interference enjoying intimacy due to past sexual abuse; lack of interest due to constant fighting, not setting aside time/energy due to work or children’s activities, a past (unresolved) affair; excessive alcohol/drug use;  and decrease in performance due to aging, medications or medical conditions.

Emergence of homosexuality/transgender identity or cross-dressing issues.

These persons (and their families) struggle with extreme shame, guilt, fear of exposure and their unknown future lives.  They desperately want/need someone to talk to about such struggles but fear judgment and this keeps them isolated.  Further, they need a safe place to fully explore their feelings/actions (i.e., how they developed, what in the person’s life is maintaining them, etc.), referrals to good information about such conditions and assistance in making changes in their life and in their interactions with their family.

More so than in almost any other mental health situation, the spouse and children often need (at least as much) assistance as the person seeking help.  “Am I not good enough (sexually)?”, “Why does dad do this stuff….How will I tell my friends at school?”; these are typical questions I assist family members with.

I have worked with men struggling with pedophilia (engaging in sexual activities with children and viewing child pornography) but typically these persons have been arrested and are in legal trouble. I typically refer them to certified sex offender treatment providers (The courts recognize treatment services for sex offenders from only certified sex offender treatment professionals.).

Change IS possible, with these problems!

The following are highlights from an article in Men’s Health Magazine (May 2016) on the frequency of sex within a relationship and what this frequency could mean.

Stated simply, a low frequency of sex in a relationship, while previously thought to be a universal “bad” sign of the health of the relationship, may not necessarily be a bad sign.

The article explains a number of why and a number of situations that cause the frequency of sex in a relationship to drop.  So…if this is happening to you, take heart.  You are not alone.  You may still need assistance in increasing your intimacy but there is comfort in numbers, you are not alone.

Take a look…….

 

“How often are you supposed to have sex in a healthy marriage?  I immediately say you’re thinking about sex wrong – there’s no magic number for any given couple.” Brian Willoughby, Ph.D.

Fine, but what if this not-so-magic number is slouching perilously close to zero?  This can’t be healthy, right?  Wrong – it can, say the researchers and the therapists who listen to stories of low-sex marriages.  It just happens, though few couples will admit it except in therapy sessions, says sex therapist Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D.

Few are confessing to researchers either.  Nonetheless, two major studies have made educated guesses: Somewhere around one in six American marriages are “sexless,” depending on how that term is defined.  One study found that 16 percent of married couples hadn’t had sex in the month prior to being contacted for the National Survey of Families and Households.  And another study by University of Chicago sociologist Edward Laumann, a leading researcher in his field, concluded that about 14 percent of married men and 15 percent of married women had had little or no sex within the previous year.

If you’re squirming with recognition, maybe you should relax.  It’s possible that sex droughts are hitting younger couples these days, but generally, if you’ve settled into a comfortable pattern, your therapist would nod understandingly.  It’s called married life.  Infrequent sex may be a vestige of our evolutionary past, when sexual shutdown naturally occurred in what is now early middle age.  Then there’s passion-sapping 21^st century life: work, distractions, children, stress, medication, porn, and that murky cocktail of exhaustion and indifference.  All of this can conspire to make both of you roll over and fall asleep without even thinking about sex – except, foolishly, to compare yourself to everyone else, who you’re sure is having more than you………..

Laumann says, “Only 5 percent are having sex four or more times a week.”  Fully one-third of people 18-59 have sex less than once a month (or not at all because they lack a partner).  For another third, it’s about once a week, and for the rest maybe twice a week or a bit more.

Moreover, Laumann thinks rates of sexual inactivity have remained steady over recent decades.  Some problems have persisted since the invention of marriage: health disorders that make sex impossible, loss of desire, and relationship conflicts that douse smoldering embers.

All expected.  What may be new is that these troubles are starting sooner, among couples in their 20s and 30s, some therapists report.  Their frequency is dropping to a rate where we feel like they’re sexually inactive.  Desire has dropped too.  “I’m seeing it in young, attractive, energetic people in their 30s who should be f*#@!ing like bunnies,” says sex therapist Isadora Alman.  “they’ve got a roof over their head.  They don’t have any major problems in their lives; but they’re just not interested”…………..

…In a relationship, women and men say sex fosters emotional closeness and mutual affection, helping solidify their commitment.  Less lovey-dovey facts:  A woman may initiate sex to keep her husband satisfied (and deplete his sperm count), preventing him from impregnating rivals.  A man may subconsciously do something similar – overwhelming any rival’s semen with frequent copulation.  Both sexes report a host of other less-than-lofty motives for having sex – an affair to punish a partner, or for money, social status, or job promotion.

Given all this, sexual frequency isn’t necessarily a good barometer of relationship health, says UT Austin’s Daniel Conroy-Beam, Ph.D©.  “Human long-term mating is about much more than just sex, and our motives for having sex are not always good,” he says.  “Sometimes we have sex not because we want to but out of obligation, duty, or fear of losing our partner.  If the decline in sexual frequency within a marriage is driven by a decline in these more negative emotions, it’s possible this might even be a good thing for the state of the marriage.”

So what’s ailing American sex lives?  Let’s have a look.

Your Past

Walking around with our Pleistocene-epoch genes can be tough, especially on a college campus.  “The average college freshman sees more attractive females in a single day than our hominid ancestors saw in an entire lifetime,” says UT Austin psychology professor David Buss, Ph.D.

Combine this with social media and dating apps, and mate choice seems limitless.  Willoughby, an assistant professor at Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life, says today’s 20-somethings are showing anxiety, “terrified about making a mistake.  There’s this pressure to pick the perfect person who will make them happy and fulfilled for the remainder of their lives.”

So sow your wild oats and get it out of your system, right?  Maybe not.  Willoughby’s research has found that the more pre-marriage partners people have, the lower the sexual quality, communication, and relationship stability is during marriage.  Possible reasons:  The more relationships you’ve had, the easier it is to cut and run; skills like communication and compromise aren’t developed.

This can lead to the “comparison effect”.  If you were once a player, “it’s easy to compare in your mind all these previous experiences you’ve had,” he says.  This sense of missing out can erode sexual satisfaction with your long-term partner.

Plus, we’re living unimaginably longer than our ancestors did.  “Even 200 years ago,” Buehler says, “people married young, had kids young, and were dead by the time they hit 40.  Today, we’re outliving the natural life of our hormones.”

Modern men can procreate decades longer.  Or pretend they can.  Which brings us to the cast to thousands of imaginary partners in today’s pornography.  This may affect marital relations – a bit.  “We do have enough research now to suggest a weak negative relationship between viewing pornography and relational and marital sexual satisfaction,” Willoughby says.  “It’s not strong, but it’s there.”

The negative tug, so to speak:  It’s about expectations.  The porn star is “willing to do anything and everything the male partner wants her to, and taking great pleasure in doing so,” Willoughby says.  “After watching all these clips, he starts thinking, “Gosh, why is my wife not in the mood?  Why is she saying she’s too tired or she had a long day?”

Kids

“Kids are the most effective libido squashers I know of,” says Alman.  Wee ones have a tendency to hang on to their caregivers like monkeys, providing so much physical touch that the last thing you want is more groping from a partner.

Touch, notes Fisher, releases oxytocin, further bonding parent to child while temporarily suppressing dopamine and libido.  Breastfeeding and general exhaustion can further deplete desire.  In one study, Laumann surveyed women in their 20s about their desire for sex.  In those without children under six, 34 percent reported no interest; in those with kids, the number soared to more than 95 percent.

A man may find himself at the end of the queue for affection.  It’s easy for him to feel unappreciated and even a smidge resentful, says Alman.  Buehler says it’s not surprising “that couples with children under age 5 have the least sex and report more sexual dissatisfaction than any other group.”

The recent trend toward delaying pregnancy may further exacerbate all this, Buehler says – obviously, parents in their 30s and 40s are not as energetic as they once were.

Stress

If both partners work, finding time to be intimate can be hard.  In a time crunch, sex may not be a priority, a study in the Journal of Marriage and Family reports.  Different shifts, child care, aging parents:  These stressors can trigger a cascading hormonal response that can affect libido…….

Another huge bedroom buzzkill:  A whopping 11 percent of Americans take antidepressant medications.  Alas, research shows that these drugs can cause and worsen many forms of sexual dysfunction, from fading libido to the inability to climax to “emotional blunting.”  Though these medications can smooth out the emotional lows, they also seem to cap the highs, putting the brakes on sexual excitement, passion, and maybe even love……………………

Comparisons

If you’re thinking about leaving this article on your wife’s nightstand, hold off.  Take a moment:  Is anything truly broken?  If both of you are okay with your sexual frequency, be it nonstop, middling, low, or none, then from  Alman’s point of view there really is no problem.  “If you’re happy and your partner is happy, those are the only votes that count,” she says……

“The reality is that more couples live happy lives, even with no sex between them, than most people would imagine,” adds Alman.

Even sexually active couples should resist the urge to compare.  When researchers at the University of Colorado asked more than 15,000 people about their sex lives, they did find a link between sexual frequency and happiness.  But that happiness was relative:  If people knew their peers were having more sex than they were, their happiness dipped……………

Mismatches

Discord often has less to do with the frequency than with a discrepancy between how often each partner wants it.  A partner who is feeling sex-deprived can wonder if a mate’s lack of interest is evidence that the love is gone.

Both partners should acknowledge that dry spells happen.  “It is completely normal for a couple’s sex life to have peaks and troughs,” says Buehler.  “The important thing is to discuss the troughs.  Do you both understand why sexual frequency has slid – the birth of a child, perhaps, or the innless of a parent?  If so, accept it and make a pledge to get back on track when the period of extra strain has passed.”

Clients roll their eyes at one of Buehler’s suggestions for kick-starting sex: scheduling it.  “They resist the hell out of doing this because they want to be ‘spontaneous.’  I say good luck with that.”………………

It’s better to plan to share pleasurable experiences with your partner without necessarily making intercourse the goal.  “Our desire to initiate sex itself diminishes more quickly than our capacity for pleasure,” Tamar Krishnamurti, Ph. D., of Carnegie Mellon University, explains.  “Focusing on creating pleasurable experiences may allow an increase in sexual intercourse frequency to happen more naturally.”

Alman adds: “Sex doesn’t always have to equal penis-in-vagina intercourse.  Cuddling, kissing, and rubbing against each other in ways that are pleasurable and can result in orgasm to either or both, or maybe no orgasm but certainly pleasure.  Aren’t these sex too?  In my book they are.”  And don’t discount the power of affectionate touch.  One study found that the more cuddling, kissing on the lips, and hugging couples engaged in, the more easily they were able to resolve their conflicts………..

 

 

Source:  Irwin Goldstein, M.D., Director of Sexual Medicine, Alvarado Hospital Medical Center, San Diego, Men’s Health Magazine, May 2016

 

 

The attached link is to a broadcast of the Diane Rehm show, aired on September 5, 2016 during which Ms. Rehm interviews Peggy Orenstien, author of “Girls and Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape” and clinical psychologist, Peggy Joseph.  Orenstein interviewed over 70 girls and young women on everything from the pressures of social media to the impact of online pornography and what she found disturbed her.  Orenstein says that while girls have more opportunities today than ever, when it comes to sex they’re getting mixed messages.  Diane and her guests discuss the complicated and contradictory messages young girls are getting about sex.

 

Guests

• Peggy Orenstein author
• Nicole Joseph clinical psychologist in private practice

Copy the below link to your web browser.

Link:  https://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2016-09-05/the-complicated-and-contradictory-messages-young-girls-are-getting-about-sex-rebroadcast

Recently, I had lunch with my office assistant at a local “men’s bar” (a bar/restaurant that features waitresses in skimpy outfits).  Monthly, I take my office assistant to lunch to show my appreciation for her hard work.  She suggested the restaurant and I agreed.

The food was good and the outfits were, in fact, skimpy.

As we ate lunch, I became increasingly uncomfortable…not just because I was with a woman around women who were barely clothed  but more importantly because I was seeing things I shouldn’t be seeing.  It took me a while to fully understand what this was about.  These young women were, as a function of their waitress outfits, exposing/displaying parts of their bodies that, in my opinion, should be only exposed to/seen by a lover or husband…not the public in general.  The principle is this….with my lover/spouse, I will expose the most intimate parts of myself….my body, my past experiences, my goals, my fears, etc. after I feel safe with them…safe from being ridiculed, maliciously exposed, etc.  Herein is the difference between being “seen” and being “looked at”.  With my lover, I feel safe that she will see my intimate parts without judging or using me…hence, she will “see” me; I will be “seen”.  When the general public is the audience, they don’t know me like my lover.  They don’t know my past life, my struggles, my fears, etc.  They don’t care about or know me…so they only “look”.  In the bar, I saw parts of these young women’s bodies that, in my opinion, should not have been exposed to me or seen by me given I didn’t know these women.  The body and the spirit of the person is sacred and these outfits violated this principle.

Another awareness I had…these women were someone’s daughters.  My office assistant knew one of the waitresses.  She babysat for her when she was a child.  I could not look at these women without thinking about my own daughters…and the thought, “Would I want a man look at my daughter the way I was looking at these young women?”  No, of course not!

These awareness’s are not new. Opponents of pornography have been making these points for years.  Another point that could be made is that these girls are putting themselves in situations in which they are being “looked” at.  They could have taken a job somewhere else.  True.  But, do we as a community wish to allow such a situation to be made available to our daughters….if enough people objected, the restaurant could be shut down. And if you patron this restaurant, you support and encourage our daughters to be in positions to be “looked at” versus “seen”. But you can’t control the actions of adults, whether they be the public in general or your daughter, once she is of legal age. True.

My point is, however, you can control what you “see” or “look at”.  Do you have the self-control/restraint to not look according to your values. Honestly, it was hard to not look at the waitresses when I were there.  Nature, in part, makes men this way.  We are visually-oriented and sexually-oriented to look at women (with respect to the gay among us). But there in lies the rub…we are physiologically oriented to look…we could also be intrinsically oriented (by our values) to not look.

More later…

A few…days ago, I received a rather frantic call from one of the people who see me.  She, the mother of two early adolescent boys said, “My two boys are looking at porn, what do I do?”

First, I had her take a deep breath.

She explained the situation.  She was in the habit of looking randomly at her son’s phones.  She discovered via the history, that her youngest, 11, has spent most to the day before exclusively on porn sites (She also indicated she had been noticing him spending more time in his room and taking very long showers!).  She then looked at her 13 year olds phone…or tired to.  He asked what she was doing.  “I want to look at your history.” He hesitated and looked panicked.  “What will I find on it?”, she asked.  “Porn.” She’d taken her younger son’s phone.  She took the older boy’s phone.

The older boy had begun crying after he indicated she would find porn on his phone.  The younger boy started to argue about her looking at his phone without asking permission.  When she told him what she found on it…he got quiet.

“What do I do about this!!!”

“What have you done so far?”  She indicated she had told them, in a controlled voice, that looking at porn was not ok, that they knew that, that she knew it was natural for them to want to look at it as was it natural for them to masturbate (“MOM!!!”).  “I am going to keep your phones for now and think about what I want to do about this.  Then we will talk.”

I congratulated her on that last move.  So often today, I find parents expecting themselves to know what to say in response to all the different things kids do.  That is impossible and puts pressure on the parent.  So, I like, “I’ll think about your consequences and get back to you!”.

She didn’t know what to do now.  She believes that chronic use of porn will warp/skew a young man’s view of women and intimacy and relationships…I agree. “But how do you stop them from looking at it.  How do I prevent them from developing a skewed view of women/intimacy and relationships.

A few suggestions:

“Boys, this is not the time for you to be looking at this stuff. There will be a time for this later but not now. I expect you to not look at this and will be monitoring what you look at when you are on the phone/computer in this house. I can control what you are exposed to in this house.  You are responsible for what you expose yourself to when you are away from this house and me. This is like your bike is in the garage and it catches on fire.”  The garage is not fully on fire yet and you think to yourself you can get in and get your bike but your dad and I and firemen have repeatedly told you to never go into a building that is on fire.  You have to decide if you resist the urge to save your bike or take a chance. Just like the fireman is serious when he tells you to stay out of the building, I’m telling you to stay away from porn. Increasingly you are getting to an age where you are away from me and beyond my direct control and you have to make these decisions on your own. I know these images satisfies a curiosity and physical urge but looking at this can mess up how you look at women and sex and I don’t want that to happen to you…so I expect you to stay away from this stuff.”

“Looking at this can mess up your view of women, sex and relationships.  It’s like thinking that all of playing basketball is making jump shots from watching LeBron James.  There is a lot of positioning, reading strategy, conditioning, etc. that makes up a championship basketball player…not just the ability to shoot from 20-30 feet out. Looking at porn can make you think the only thing that counts when it comes to women or relationships is how to have sex and it is not. It involves much more.”

“What you see in these videos or magazines is not the way real women look/act/think/interact with men.  These women’s bodies are fake, their reactions are fake. It looks real but it is not.”

“Consider this…these women in these videos/pictures are always “ready” for sex.  All you have to do is turn on the video or open the site (or page in the magazine).  Real women are not like this.  Real women are busy, tired, focused on school, homework, work, etc.  None of these women in the videos are like that. They are ALWAYS interested in sex and THAT IS NOT THE WAY REAL WOMEN ARE.  And if you approach women that way, real women will break up with you.  They, if you treat them that way, will feel used…used only for sex…which is what in fact you are doing when you access that material…you are using them to masturbate with.”

I can see these or any young man saying or thinking, “But the girls I sext with or make out with don’t seem to be offended by my sexual comments. They talk that way too!”  My response would be to ask him how he feels about himself after to talks to her in such ways.  I would point out that if he feels bad about his behavior, it suggests he has violated his values/principles…this is the body’s way of saying “You have just done something wrong!”.  Further, while such talk is very physically exciting, it may cognitively/emotionally make you feel very bad.  So, just because it feels good means you should do it…which is the basic lesson during most of adolescence.

“Further, opportunities to be intimate/sexual with your partner DO NOT happen the way they are depicted in these videos.  Seriously, would you have sex with a stranger.  No.  You know all about the risk of diseases.  But, in these videos, they don’t show that and because there is no risk of catching a disease while watching a video, that promotes the ideas that women are only there for sex, only interested in sex or that a real men must have sex with any woman whether he knows her or not, likes her or not, etc.”

“These videos/pictures don’t show any of the feelings/thoughts/consequences that occur before/during/after the act.  Normal/mature/health/typical people feel guilty/ashamed/confused/scared/etc.. when they have sex in public, with a stranger, with your boyfriend’s best friend, etc.”

“Your urges and curiosity are incredibly strong and will lead you to do things that you will later regret and see how they were wrong.  So, you need to be aware of that and watch/stop those urges before you follow them.  It is like being a the mall and seeing something you like/want but you don’t have the money for it.  You may have the urge to steal it but you also know this could get you in trouble…so you don’t take it.  You have developed the skill of self-restraint in the area of stealing.  Now, this situation is challenging you to develop self-restraint in the area of sexuality.”

I suggested she keep the phones for about 2 weeks and then give then back with stipulations…”I will look at them at any point, any further use of porn will result in further consequences (i.e., loss of the phone for 4 weeks, you will look internet service on your phone and household work consequences, etc.) and I will review your histories at suppertime”.

I also suggested she tell the boys examples of the struggles she has had resisting inappropriate behavior but that she developed self-restrain and she expects them to do the same.

 

More later…

 

 

 

I recently a request for my comments on this topic.  Thank you for the request.

The following are excerpts from a 9/28/07 article by John Russell Powell from a site call The Part-Time Geek. The article is entitled, Help! How do I Stop My Kid from Looking at Porn? I don’t know John Russell Powell or The Part-Time Geek but from reading the article, I endorse what he has to say on this topic.  The article is structured in a question/answer format and I have added my own comments to Mr. Powell’s original text.

Q: So, How do I stop my child from looking at this filth (on-line porn)?

A: Well, to be entirely honest, I don’t think you can….If they really want to access porn, I promise you, they will.

Q: So why don’t they work (referring to computer security programs)?

A: The devices used to restrict access to objectionable material are, in essence, just types of security.  And like all security, they always have flaws, holes and weak points. Now, whether or not these flaws are big enough for someone to get around depends on a number of factors, but the most important of those being the skill of the person trying to break them and their level of motivation. The fact is that your son at 15, probably has 10 times as much knowledge and skill with a PC than you ever will.  And as far as motivation, well, can you imagine anything more motivated than a hormone-driven 15 year-old in search of porn? I can’t ( This is not to suggest such security programs don’t have a role in decreasing the opportunity/availability of porn.  They do play a role but not the whole role.  They are a part of an overall approach.  The only sure-fire way to stop your male is to not have internet service in your home at all. Another idea, that is part of an approach to this problem, move the computer to a public area in the house.  Still another, put a password in the access steps to access the internet.  Again…these are parts of an approach; not a complete approach by themselves.).   In the age we live in, you will only be doing a great disservice to your child’s academic performance and social life, not to mention your own personal productivity by choosing this route. Also, consider the fact that the internet is available through other electronic devices other than your PC.  So, you would have to get rid of them also…and probably your and all your other family’s electronic devices if you go this route.  Consider for a moment this scene; your 13 year-old daughter can’t use her smart phone because you decided to disconnect all internet access due to her 15 year-old brother’s personal interests! As I say to people I see who are considering taking a step in life that has disaster written all over it…. “Let me know how that works out!” And what about his friends and using their phones/PC? My point is, even if you get rid of the internet in your home, they will just access it somewhere else instead.  You can make it more difficult but you can’t totally prevent them from accessing it.  HOWEVER, you can you influence how they view it once they view it.

Q: What can I do then?

A: The same thing parents have done for years….talk to them about it. Pornography is not something new.  The internet didn’t invent it.  Before, it was on TV; before that, it was nude photographs in magazines and pin-up calendars; and even before that, there were pornographic drawings.  Now, what the internet has done is made it enormously available and wide varieties of it enormously available; that is new!  What you can do is make sure your child has a positive view of sex.  Help them to understand what is normal and healthy and what is not.  Talk to them about it…… porn…the porn they are looking at.  They need to know that what they see on the internet is not real.  Explain to them that these people are paid “actors” at best or unwilling sex-slaves in many other cases.  What they may appear to be enjoying what they are doing on screen, the reality is that their lives off screen are probably much, much different.  Help them to understand that sex is a wonderful thing that is normally shared between two people, that it is just one part of the overall interactions between these two people; that it plays an important role in the relationship but is just that, just a part of the relationship.  Talk with him frankly about how powerful his sexual urges are and his want to understand about this new and emerging aspect of his life; that this part of him is so strong that it will cause him to violate his values or the values of his family.  The primary and most commonly reported response of most young men to looking at porn is a shameful excitement.  The excitement is his sexual urges emerging.  The shame is about his knowing at a deep level that he is looking at something that he should not be seeing. Said another way…he is violating his values or the values of his family. Talk with him about his want to look at such images. Explain that his want to look at such images reflects his emerging sexual curiosity and sexuality; explain how he could address such a want…through masturbation (depending on your personal/religious beliefs) and distraction/channeling of such energy to other, positive pursuits.  This can go a long way to decreasing the strength of the urge to look at the images (so he is and/or feels less out of control about such urges) and helps him feel less ashamed of his sexuality. It is possible for them to grow up with this stuff around and still end up as adults with a healthy view of sex.  It all depends on you though.  If you refuse to talk to your kids about it and try to hide it from them, they are only going to seek it out more and determine their views about what “normal” sex is on their own; a dangerous proposition for a teenager to say the least.

The sex conversation will probably be a bit embarrassing at first for you and him but once you get past that, you will find that he has real questions.  And don’t let it just stop with the one conversation.  This should be a regular topic of conversation and should never be considered taboo for the.  As they get older, they are just going to have more and more questions and I’m sure that you would rather that they get those answers from you and not just take as fact something they saw on a video they found on the internet.  Now, this doesn’t mean that your 15 year-old son will stop gong on-line and looking at things that you prefer he doesn’t loo at.  He is a teenager and has hormones that are in SUPER over-drive  A room full of wild dogs and a ruler-wielding nun probably couldn’t stop him! But, at least this way, he can find out from a relieable and trusted source, what is real and normal and what is not.  It can make a lifetime of difference.

More later…