The following are excerpts taken from an article by Steven Stosny in Psychotherapy Networker.  It discusses why men tend to struggle applying what they have learned about communication in the therapy office to their relationship with their significant other at home.

A couple things to keep in mind while reading these excerpts: The author is speaking about men and women in general; so what is said here may not apply specifically to any one particular man/woman.  Second, the author is a mental health therapist…so he is wordy.  This is why I have condensed this down to excerpts and I have put in abbreviated explanations when I thought they were needed.

“Lions without a Cause”

“… Typically, when the guys come in, they are either defensively resentful, angry or just emotionally shut down….As we talk, it becomes clear that, initially, they practiced the communication techniques they were taught and took to heart the insights they learned about their relationships and family of origin.  Yet, for reasons they can’t explain, they couldn’t bring themselves to make the long-term effort to use their new skills or insights on a routine basis at home….

… While the therapeutic language of “intimacy” is supposedly gender-neutral, most men see it as reflecting values and ideas that appeal disproportionately to women.  Nevertheless, when men don’t buy into our relationship template, we often wind up labeling them as resistant, manipulative, narcissistic or maybe worst of all “patriarchal.”…

… The reason men are unlikely to keep doing it at home is simple: emotional talk tends to produce more physiological arousal in men – they experience it more stressfully.  Unlike women, they don’t get the oxycontin reward that makes them feel calm, secure and confident when talking about emotional and the complexities of relationships.  Testosterone, which men produce more of during stress, seems to reduce the effect of oxycontin  while estrogen enhances it.  It takes more work with less reward for men to shift into and maintain the active-listening and self-revealing emotional talk they learn in therapy…so they are unlikely to do it on a routine basis…

…I believe that the primary motivation keeping men invested in loving relationships is different from what keeps women invested in loving relationships…

…The main role of males in social groups throught the animal world is to protect the group from outside threats….When most animal packs are under attack and can’t flee, the males from a defensive perimeter, while the females for the most part gather the young and hide them within an inner circle of protection.  This scenario plays out in a great many human households, when the woman, who generally has keener hearing, detects a middle-of-the-night sound somewhere in the house.  The man typically goes down to investigate, perhaps carrying a baseball bat, while she checks on the children…

…The glue that keeps men bonded is the instinct to protect.  If you listen long enough to men talking about what it means to love, you’ll notice that loving is inextricably linked, for many men, to some form of protection.  If men can’t feel successful at protecting, they can’t fully love…

…Males remain connected to the group by virtue of proximity to the females but don’t interact with them much.  In contrast, it appears that frequent interaction among females keeps them connected…

…If the couple has had a boy and girl, they can see this difference in social orientation for themselves early on.  Assuming that the children are both securely attached, the boy will tend to play in proximity to the caregiver, always checking to see that he or she is there, but seeking far fewer direct interactions-talking, asking questions, making eye contact, touching, hugging-than the girl.  As long as he knows his caregiver is present, his primary interaction is with the environment…

Similarly, a man can feel close to his wife if he’s in one room-on the computer, in front of the TV or going about his routine-and she’s in another.  He’ll likely protest, sulk or sink into loneliness if she goes out, which she may well do since he isn’t talking to her anyway.  To her, it seems he wants her home so he can ignore her.  But he isn’t ignoring her, her presence gives stability to his routine.

…A major challenge to lasting change in marriage lies in the fact that couples’ day-to-day interactions operate largely on automatic pilot.  Emotional response is triggered predominantly by unconscious cues, such as body language, tone of voice and level of mental distractedness   Negativity in any of these inadvertently sets off the automatic defense system that’s developed between the parties.  Once triggered, the unaware couple can easily spiral into dysfunctional patterns of relating.  They tend to get lost in the details of whatever they’re blaming each other, with no realization of what’s actually happened to them-namely, an inadvertently triggering of the automatic defense system…

…It is useful/critical in therapy to educate couples about the role of protectiveness in the male psyche in general and as part of the process of helping them to form a more perfect union…

…We start with enhancing a man’s daily awareness of how his desire to protect his family gives meaning and purpose to his life…Men are creatures of habit, who generally don’t like surprises or departures from routine…If their routine incorporates small behaviors that enhance their relationships by increasing their sense of protectiveness, change is likelier to endure….”

This is where I depart from the article and add my own suggestions to men to facilitate communication with their wives/partners/etc.

Next, I would have the wife identify what behaviors/looks/tones, etc. that he does during their conversations that she interprets as offensive or puts her on the defensive.

Then, the two discuss and agree how they will react when she sees that look/tone/action during their conversations so the talk doesn’t stop, he checks himself and she doesn’t get more defensive.  This could be as simple as her saying, “I see that look again…are you angry/skeptical/critical, etc., of me?”, and he would say “No” and the conversation would continue.  This needs to be practiced so it occurs anytime she (or he) makes the face/has a tone, etc.

Finally, he would build into his daily rituals with her a comment about he is aware his looks/tones/actions effect her and his goal is to communicate to her in a safe and protective way.  The actual wording of this will vary but you get the idea….it emphasizes the encouragement of communication by him and emphasizes his protection and/or safety of the family/wife. This ritual would then also need to be practiced until it a part of his daily routine.  She could also develop a mirror activity to show her commitment to this process for the relationship.

True compassion is giving what the other person needs and not necessarily what you want to give.

More later.