A young woman recently asked me to compile a list of movies and books about manhood; being a good man for her adolescent son (she is divorced and she wants to provide her son with what it means to be a good man).  The following is the list I compiled; movies with a brief description (of aspects of being a man) to look for and my selection of books.

Searching for Bobby Fisher:  A boy’s struggle to believe in himself and own gifts and a father’s struggle to support his son and realize his role in that process.

Shindler’s List:  A man’s recognition of how one’s own greed can get in the way of life’s or God’s intended plan in life for him.

Boy in Stripped Pajamas:  An example of how two boys’ friendship with each other can overcome great political obstacles, even death.

Sleepers:  How childhood trauma can have tremendous impact on one’s life as a man and the role of revenge in finding personal peace/meaning.

Road to Perdition:  A boy struggles to understand what “good” and “bad” truly are and how to understand his father.  Also, a man struggles to understand love of family, and love of a father-figure.

The Road:  A father’s love of his son, a son’s struggle to accept the harsh realities of life.

Away From Men:  A man, after maturing and successfully taking on leadership responsibilities, becomes aware of deeper values he has (love of peace, teaching children, the sacredness of life, belief in God) and struggles to live these out.

Never Cry Wolf:  A man faces what he believes in and how such beliefs change over time.

Odyssey:  A man struggles to listen to messages or voices he hears within himself and the confusion that come when listening to and following such messages.

Heat:  A “bad” man tries to live life according to a principle he holds deeply and is confused when he falls in love violating that principle.  A “good” man loses an opportunity to live a good life when he lives his life according to his principle of stopping bad men.

Dances with Wolves:  A man struggles to make sense of life as he slowly realizes there are different ways of living life and the conflicts this realizations brings.

Out of the Furnace:  There is honor in caring for the sick, working hard, paying off your debts, even the debts of family.  Sometimes, accidents happen and good men go to jail; sometimes good men must break the rules and face the consequences of such.

Star Wars:  Episodes 4-6, watch as Luke gains confidence only after he faces what he fears the most.  (The fact that he has both good and evil within him.)  Episodes 1-3, see the need for good male guidance as a boy grows up, the seduction of doing what feels good and the shame when one runs from doing what is right.

Mission:  One man struggles to face the consequences of what he’s done.  Another man struggles to face the consequences of his beliefs.

How to Train Your Dragon:  A boy’s struggle to believe in himself even if it costs him his father’s love.  A father’s struggle to recognize he’s nearly lost everything by not believing in his son.

Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events:  Just a great movie!

Mudd:  A wonderful example of how powerful a boy’s love can be for a girl.

Ghandi:  What happens when you believe in God, stand up for what is right, are truly humble, and are not afraid to suffer for what you believe in.

Kingdom of Heaven:  What happens when you believe in God, stand up for what is right, are truly humble, and are not afraid to suffer for what you believe in.

Shawshank Redemption:  Not everyone in prison is bad, and even at your lowest points in life, you can still be kind to others, and this will change your life.

Black Stallion:  A boy, ship wrecked, alone, and scared, is saved by the love of a horse.

The Edge:  What one man can do, another man can do.

Little Boy:  There are forces at work behind the scenes of our lives that we don’t know about.  These forces have tremendous impact on us/our lives.

Labor Day:  Be kind, be patient.

Cold Mountain:  Love and meet your responsibilities.  It can see you through anything.

Iron Clad:  Face the challenges of the course in life you choose and stay close to God.  This will get you through life, even when it almost kills you.  Oh yes, be kind, say your prayers, and work hard.

The King’s Speech:  One man’s struggle to face his fears and another man’s choice to believe in the failing part of another man.

• Men and the River of Life
• Way of the Peaceful Warrior
• Old Man and the Sea
• Catcher in the Rye
• Unbroken
• Where the Sidewalk Ends
• The Giving Tree
• To Kill a Mocking Bird
• Man’s Search for Meaning
• All the Harry Potter Books
• The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings Trilogy Books
• Dune
• Angela’s Ashes
• Moby Dick
• Pride and Prejudice
• Sense and Sensibility
• Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
• The Yearling
• Last of the Mohicans
• Lord of the Flies
• Of Mice and Men

I read this article, “Six Things to Say During “The Talk” recently in Men’s Health and I was pleasantly surprised with it’s content so I decided to add it to my blog.  The article is in the May 2015 edition, pg 84 by Nick Keppler.  The article is presented here in an edited version.  I encourage you to check it out. I am aware the suggestions in this article may not match your/your family’s values but from my prespective, it may give you some ideas of things you have not (and need to) mention the next time you have “the talk”.*  Further, it may give you ideas of how to expound on topics you have already covered.

“1. “99.9 percent of the time, sex is not about babies.” When Dan Savage’s son D.J. was 9 years old, he confronted his two dads.   “You and Daddy have sex for no reason.  Two men can’t make a baby!” That’s when Savage, the author of several sex advice books and arguably America’s most prominent syndicated sex columnist, realized he may have botched the talk.  “I left out the most important part: pleasure,” he says.  But those communication fumbles are fine, he learned as long as you correct them.

2. “Don’t rush it – but when it happens use a condom.”  Young people often thing good sex is “just something that breaks out, that impulsiveness is evidence of authentic feelings.” says Savage.  They may even feel that actively planning to be intimate is dirty.  “We need to flip that,” he says.  If your kids do want their first time to “find them,” warn that it could happen when they’re drunk or lack protection.  Stress the importance of having a condom handy and knowing how to put it on.

3. “If talking to me is too weird, talk to Aunt Claire.”  Don’t be afraid to delegate in a pinch.  When Savage and three siblings were teenagers, their mother appointed aunts to be their confidantes on all matters sexual.  Those relative were told not to report what they heard back to Savage’s parents.  “They weren’t in our lives every day so we didn’t have to see them constantly, he says.  It wasn’t like we had to go to an adult who we would have to look in the eye every morning.

4. “Whatever you want to watch is your business.”  Yeah, this part of the discussion may feel especially awkward but your teen is online so he has probably seen hours of porn….Tell your kids that porn doesn’t represent real-life sex.  “Teach them to have a critical eye-to be thoughtful porn consumers, ” Savage says.

5. “Everyone is into different things.  I’ll leave it at that.” “People who are kinky need to know that their life isn’t over because they’re into diapers or whatever,” Savage says.  If you’re uncomfortable talking about, say, bondage, to your 13 year old, just mention atypical sexual interest when bring up another must-discuss topic: consent.  Savage’s script: “The craziest thing two people want to do together – if it’s consensual and they take steps to assure their mutually safe – is fine.

6. “Whichever way you lean, I’ll always love you.”  Teenagers are riddled with insecurities and sexuality ranks high among them.  “Kids have attempted suicide because they assumed their parents would have a problem with their being gay and the parents actually didn’t,” says Savage.  “But the parents never said anything about how they would accept them.” So make some acknowledgment of homosexuality to show you’re okay with it and that they should feel the same way.”

 

* I indirectly suggested one talk was not enough.  My belief is that it is not.  How could a parent possibly cover ALL the topics in one’s sexuality in one talk.  Experts (that I have read) suggest parents look at “The Talk” as a series of conversations you have with your son/daughter over a period of time, starting  early (7-8 for girls, 9-10 for boys). As they age and their life experiences change, so to you change the topics you talk about, becoming increasing focused on sexuality and intimacy in/out of relationships.

 

More later.

The following is taken from the motivational speaker,  Steve Pavlina.  Check out his website for much more.

The following is 9 characteristics of a good man.

1. A man makes real decisions.  A man understands and respects the power of choice.  He lives a life of his own creation.  He knows that life stagnates when he fails to decide and flourishes when he chooses a clear path.  When a man makes a decision, he opens the door to what he wants and closes the doors on what he doesn’t want or needs or is good for him.  There is no guarantee he’ll reach his goal, and he knows this, but he doesn’t need such guarantees.  A man doesn’t require the approval of others but will seek it when he wants it or his decisions could impact the lives of others he is responsible for/accountable to.  He’s willing to follow his heart wherever it takes him. When a man if following his heart-centered path, it’s of little consequence if the entire world is against him

2. Be willing to fail.  A man is willing to make mistakes; admit to his mistakes.  He’s willing to be wrong.  He’d rather try and fail than do nothing.  A man’s self-trust is one of his greatest assets.  When he second-guesses himself by worrying about failure, he diminishes himself.  An intelligent man considers the prospect of failure, but he doesn’t preoccupy himself with pointless worry.  He accepts that if a failure outcome occurs, he can deal with it.  A man grows more from failure than he does from success.  Success cannot test his resolve in the way that failure can.  Success has its challenges, but a man learns more about himself when he takes on challenges that involve risk.  When a man plays it safe, his vitality is lost, and he loses his edge.

3. Be confident. A man speaks and acts with confidence.  He owns his attitude.  A man is willing to be defeated by the world.  He’s willing to be taken down by circumstances beyond his control.  But he refuses to be overwhelmed by his own self-doubt.  He knows that when he stops trusting himself, he is surely lost.  He’ll surrender to fate when necessary, but he won’t surrender to fear.

4. Expresses love actively.  A man is an active giver of love, not a passive receiver.  A man is the first to initiate a conversation, the first to ask for what’s needed and the first to say “I love you”.  Waiting for someone else t make the first move is unbecoming of him.  The universe does not respond positively to his hesitation.

5. Re-channel sex energy.  A man doesn’t hide his sexuality.  If others shrink from him because he’s too masculine, he allows them to have their reaction. There’s no need for him to lower his energy just to avoid frightening the timid.  A man accepts the consequences of being male; he makes no apologies for his mature.  A man is careful not to allow his energy to get stuck at the level of lust.  He re-channels much of his sexual energy into his heart and head, where it can serve his higher values instead of just his animal instincts. A man re-channels his sexual energy into heart-centered pursuits.

6. Face your fears. For a man, being afraid of something is reason enough to do it.  A man’s fear is a call to be tested.  When a man hides from his fears, he knows he’s fallen out of alignment with his true self.  He feels weak, depressed and helpless.  No matter how hard he tries to comfort himself and achieve a state of peace, he cannot overcome his inner feelings of dread.  Only when facing his fears does s man experience peace. A man succeeds or fails. A coward never makes the attempt.  Specific outcomes are of less concern to a man than his direction.

7. Honoring the masculinity of other men.  When a man sees a male friend undertake a new venture that may fail, what does he do? The man honors his friend’s decision to reach out and make the attempt.  The man won’t deny his friend the benefits of a failure experience. The may offer his friend guidance, but he knows his friend must fail repeatedly in order to develop self-trust and courage.

8. Accept responsibility for your relationships.  A man chooses his friends, lovers and associates consciously.  He actively seeks out the company of people who inspire and challenge him and he is willingly sheds those who hold him back.  A man holds himself accountable for the relationships he allows into his life.  He holds others accountable for their behavior but he holds himself accountable for his decisions to tolerate such behavior.

9. Die well.  When a man is satisfied that he’s done all he can do to develop himself, he can make peace with death.  But if he fails to do so, death becomes his enemy and haunts him all the days of his life.  A man cannot die well unless he lives well.  A man lives well when he accept his mortality and draws strength from knowing that his physical existence is temporary.  When a man faces and accepts the inevitability of death…when he learns to see death as his ally instead of his enemy, he’s able to express his true self.

I work with a lot of children and adolescents and in my years of practice, I have come across a couple things that I strongly advocate fathers’ to do with their sons.  Why.  Most of the boys I see lack self confidence, tolerance of stress, knowledge of older (healthy) men…what they think about, what they feel, what they enjoy, how they play, etc.  This knowledge is critical for boys to have because it gives them an idea of what they could/will be like when they get older.  It also gives them something to work with as they create an image of the man they want to become.  Boys learn how to be a man from men…in whatever models they have.  It is not that women don’t play a role in the maturation of boys/sons, but rather, they play increasingly an indirect role as boys get older and men play a much more direct role.

These activities I think can foster the boy’s self-esteem, tolerance of stress/pressure and help them get to know you…dad.  Some of these I do with the young men I see in my office…some I don’t for obvious reasons.  Try them with your sons.

1. Encourage them to climb a tree.  Stay there and talk to them as they are doing it and after they are down.  Why.  Climbing a tree calls for the boy to control his fears in the face of danger and yet also feel the exhilaration of achievement and challenge.  This activity also forces the child to confront his fears and think creatively and problem solve under pressure.  Your job, while he is climbing, is two-fold: Watch him (in case he falls) and praise him as he succeeds.  After the climb, your job is to listen to him talk about the experience and then share your recollections of trees you have climbed, the risks you took and the feelings you had…sitting up there in the tree, looking around.

2. Read a couple age-appropriate books with your son…and discuss them as you read.  What books….again, it depends on their age but ages 10, 11, 12 and up…you could read some of the classics with them…reading either to him or with him.  Books like: Call of the Wild, Red Badge of Courage, The Hobbit, Catcher in the Rye, etc.  These speak to boys being on their own, making their own decisions, the fear of the consequences, seeing decisions out to their conclusions, dealing with the results, etc.  All essential elements boys need guidance with and encouragement during the process.  Further, as you read, you can discuss with your son what you thought while you read what the characters were doing, the parts you like, the parts that made you laugh, cry, worry, etc.  This gives your son an inside view of you, how you think, feel, etc.

3. Teach him to play chess and play chess with him.  Chess is a game of war and who better to go to war with then your own dad.  It is going to happen anyway!  A lot of reasons for this one…You lose a lot before you begin winning in chess.  He needs to experience this…losing but also learning from losing.   You can help him through this…encourage him when he loses, show him what he did wrong, show him what to do instead and again share your experiences in losing….at chess and life in general.  Kids listen when parents talk about losing in life….they listen and learn and later look at you with a unique kind of respect that comes when a parent is honest with their child.  Chess again teaches creative problems solving and how to tolerate stress.  There is also the aspect of teaching your son to attack you (Watch the film, Searching for Bobby Fischer with your son.) and the respect that he feels when you teach him how to attack you in this game.  This respect will bleed over into everyday interactions between you and him around the house.

4. Praise the effort, not the winning.  Acknowledging and identifying with the struggle of any project/contest, despite winning/loosing, helps him see the value in struggling to succeed, helps you connect with him on a physical and emotional level you can’t convey with words and it can open up the doors for conversations in the future about working hard and feeling good about yourself….because you worked hard.

5. Negotiate and make them earn an honest paycheck.  If he wants something, negotiate chores around the house to earn such and then be honest when you judge the quality of his work.  If you approach him seriously, when negotiating, he will approach you seriously.  Judge the quality of his work, keeping his age and capabilities in mind. Afterwards, you can again share your experiences of earning/working to earn something you enjoyed/prized when you were his age or older.  Again, boys love to hear stories about you and what you went through when you were learning the principles you are teaching him now.

 

More later…

I have developed a series of groups to each young men (between the ages of 13 and 17) manners.

There are three groups:  General Manners, Relationship Manners and Advanced Manners.  Each group will meet for six 1 1/2 hour sessions.  They will meet in the mornings, during the summer.  Groups will be limited to approximately 6-8 members.  The young man and his parent(s) will be required to come in for a 1/2 hour meeting before they are allowed to start the group.  During this meeting, they will sign paperwork, go over rules/expectations, etc.  When I have 6-8 young men signed up for a particular group, I will start the group.  The cost is $125.00 for a group/six session or $375.00 for all three groups.

The topics of the General Manners Group is as follows:

• Use of Please, Thank You, Miss, Mr., Yes, No
• Holding the Door
• Shaking Hands
• Introducing your Friends to Parents/Others
• How to Talk/Listen to Adults
• Knowing When to Talk and When to Not Talk
• Asking Permission
• Paying/Receiving a Compliment
• Making/Accepting an Apology
• Accepting a Gift, Especially One You Don’t Like
• Phone/Electronics Etiquette at Home/in Public
• Talking to Parents/Teachers vs. Friends
• Dressing for Home vs Being in Public
• Dialing a Wrong Number
• Starting/Ending a Call
• Use of the Bathroom

Topics for the Relationship Manners Group:

• Women in General: Emotional/Logical Perspective, How Women and Men are Socialized Differently in our Society and it’s Impact on Relationships, Direct vs Indirect Power in Relationships, Sexual Urges and Respect for Yourself/Her in a Girlfriend Relationship, Her Period
• Walking with Her
• Offering Help
• How to Talk to a Young Woman
• Asking for/Declining a Date
• Asking for a (Slow) Dance
• Breaking Up
• Apologizing
• Apologizing When You Feel You Did Nothing Wrong
• Identifying/Addressing Your Own Feelings
• Listening to Her (Listening or Making Suggestions to Solve Her Problem)
• What to do When She is Mad at You
• Fighting: What to Do, What Not to Do
• Gifts/Dates
• Disagreeing on an Issue

Topics for the Advanced Manners Group:

• Tying a Tie
• Ironing a Shirt/Pants
• Polishing Shoes
• Hygiene: Finger/Toe Nails, Cologne, Breath, Shaving, Deodorant
• Washing/Drying Laundry
• Restaurant Etiquette

For more information or to register, please call Esselman Counseling Services at 217-224-5273.

More later…