My internet home page is MSN.  Frequently, I will see posted mental health related articles.  This one, below, got my attention because the author lists 47 items (a bit much) and I’ve said some of these things in front of my kids!

The important thing to remember when looking at such lists, is that they help us only when we look at them as gentle reminders of opportunities to do/say something different as opposed to the many different ways you’re a lousy parent, you’ve always been a lousy parent, and you will always be a lousy parent.

And yes, it is a challenge to look at this list and gently remind yourself next time.  How is the alternative working for you (you lousy parent)?

47 Things to Never Say in Front Of Your Kids (Even When You Think They Aren’t Listening)

One of the most frustrating things about being a parent is that it feels like your kids are only listening to you during the times you don’t want them to. But aside from being annoying, it’s important that parents recognize this because what a parent says can have just as much of an impact on shaping a child as their actions — even when mom or dad isn’t even addressing the kid. While many parents are cautious of how they speak to their little one, they don’t realize in the moment that the things they are saying about themselves, their spouse, or others around them can have a lasting effect on their child. These are the 47 things parents should avoid saying to prevent their child from worrying about adult problems or questioning their own appearance or self-worth.

1.           I hate my body.
2.           I wish I were more like her.
3.           I can’t do it.
4.           I look like sh*t.
5.          Why can’t you be more like him?
6.           You’ve changed since we had kids.
7.           I’m not good enough.
8.           Shut up.
9.           I’m just a few pounds shy of my goal weight.
10.          They’re going to judge me.
11.           I really need to go on a diet.
12.           I can’t wear a bikini.
13.          Should you really be eating that?
14.          Look how bad I look.
15.         There’s no way we can keep spending like this.
16.          I would rather die.
17.          Stop being an idiot.
18.          Life was easier before kids.
19.          I stopped listening.
20.          I hate my job and wish I didn’t have to go to work.
21.          I wish we had more money.
22.         The teacher doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
23.         Did you hear what she said about him?
24.         Did you see how bad she looked?
25.         I don’t know why I even bother.
26.         Does this make me look fat?
27.         I have the problem child.
28.        The teacher just must not like him.
29.       We have no money.
30.        Boys don’t cry.
31.        My child is payback for when I was a kid.
32.        That’s not how a mom should dress.
33.        If only my child behaved like yours.
34.        I have more important things to do.
35.       That’s what wives do.
36.        I’ve really let myself go.
37.        If only I could lose a few more pounds.
38.        I looked so good before kids.
39.        Look what having babies did to me.
40.        I’m a bad mom.
41.       This is the worst thing that could happen.
42.        I know I shouldn’t gossip but . . .
43.       That’s the man’s responsibility.
44.       That homework assignment is pointless anyways.
45.       My child would never behave like that.
46.        I will never forgive you.
47.        I could never do that.

•                                                             Source:  Popsugar, December 15, 2016 by LAUREN LEVY

 

As many of you know, I read Men’s Health Magazine.  It is not the most prestigious periodical for articles on mental health and marital relationships, but every once in a while…..and today is that day.

In the December 2016 edition, there is a column, “The Girl Next Door”.  It hosts Ali Eaves fielding questions sent in by men on various topics.

A question sent in by “Tom”, Charlotte, NC:  “I work 60-hour weeks and earn twice what my wife does.  Do we really have to split the chores?”  Check out her answer.  It is excellent.

“I’m going to save you a lifetime of arguing, Tom.  Take that fat paycheck of yours, peel off a hundred bucks or so, and call a cleaning service.  Either that or learn to tolerate a little mess around the house.  Look, of course it makes sense for the partner who has more free time to do more of the home-fire tending.  But the way you’re using math to calculate who does what is bound to breed resentment.  If you bring in outside help, you’re not only shutting down the chore debate once and for all but also providing employment for someone who probably cleans better than both of you combined.” – Ali Eaves

This is an article from the January 2017 issue of National Geographic.  It makes specific suggestions for parents in parenting a transgender child.

Interesting…..

Helping Families Talk About Gender

 When addressing gender and sexuality matters, where should families begin?  This guidance is drawn from HealthChildren.org, the American Academy of Pediatrics’ parenting website.

Gender Identity:  Once young children learn to talk, most will declare a gender identity, boy or girl, that aligns with their biological sex.  However, as some children grow, identity is not so clear-cut.  Around two years old, children become conscious of the physical differences between boys and girls.  By age four, most children have a stable sense of their gender identity.  During this same time of life, children learn gender-role behavior—that is, doing stereotypical “things that boys do” and “things that girls do” when they choose toys, clothes, activities, and friends.

What parents can do:  All children need the opportunity to explore different gender roles and styles of play.  Ensure your young child’s environment reflects diversity in gender roles and opportunities for everyone.

When children’s interests and abilities are different from what society expects, they’re often subjected to discrimination and bullying.  It is natural for parents to want their children to be accepted socially.  But if children’s strengths don’t always conform to society’s or your own expectations, it’s important to help them fulfill their own unique potential rather than force them into the mold of current or traditional gender behavior.

For some young children, identifying as another gender may be temporary; for others it isn’t.  Some children who are gender nonconforming in early childhood grow up to become transgender adults (persistently identifying with a gender different from their assigned sex at birth), and others don’t.  The causes for this are likely both biological and social; there is no evidence of a link to parenting or experiencing childhood trauma.

There is no way to predict how children will identify later in life.  This uncertainty is one of the hardest things about parenting a gender-nonconforming child.  It is important for parents to make their home a place where their child feels safe, loved unconditionally, and accepted for who they are.  Research suggests that gender is something we are born with; it can’t be changed by any interventions.

Sexual orientation:  While gender identity typically becomes clear in early childhood, sexual orientation—which refers to the person one falls in love with or is attracted to—becomes evident later.  Research suggests that like gender identity, sexual orientation cannot be changed.

Parent and child alike experience anxieties as an adolescent enters and moves through puberty.  Many parents feel that by talking to their children about sex, they are sanctioning it, but the opposite is true:  Adolescents who are the best informed about sexuality are the most likely to postpone sex.  When talking about sexuality, parents should not shy away from discussing their values.  They should openly explain their beliefs and their reasons for them to their child.

Many gender-nonconforming children grow up to identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual; all are at risk for bullying and mental health problems.  Gender and sexuality concerns spur a large share of teen suicide attempts.

What parents can do:  Your most important role as a parent is to offer understanding, respect, and support to your child.  A nonjudgmental approach will gain your child’s trust and put you in a better position to help your child through difficult times.

When you child discloses an identity to you, respond in an affirming, supportive way.  Understand that gender identity and sexual orientation cannot be changed, but the way people identify their gender identity or sexual orientation may change over time as they discover more about themselves.

Be on the lookout for signs of anxiety, insecurity, depression, and low self-esteem.  Stand up for your child when your child is mistreated.  Do not minimize the social pressure or bullying your child may be facing.  Make it clear that slurs or jokes based on gender identity or sexual orientation are not tolerated.

Having a gender-nonconforming child can be stressful for parents and caregivers as they deal with uncertainty and navigate schools, extended families, sibling relationships, and the world around them.  Among the organizations that support parents and families with gender-nonconforming children are:  the Family Acceptance Project, familyproject.sfsu.edu; Gender Spectrum, genderspectrum.org; and PFLAG, pflag.org.

This is an article from the January 2017 issue of National Geographic of the most current transgender terminology.

I will be blogging on transgender issues more in 2017.

Interesting….

 This glossary was prepared in consultation with Eli R. Green of the Center for Human Sexuality Studies at Pennsylvania’s Widener University and Luca Maurer of the Center for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Education, Outreach, and Services at New York’s Ithaca College. They are co-authors of the book The Teaching Transgender Toolkit.

 Agender: Describes a person who does not identify as having a gender identity that can be categorized as man or woman or who identifies as not having a gender identity.

Androgynous: A combination of masculine and feminine traits or a nontraditional gender expression.

Cisgender (pronounced sis-gender): A term to describe a person whose gender identity matches the biological sex they were assigned at birth. (It is sometimes abbreviated as “cis.”)

Gender binary: The idea that gender is strictly an either-or option of male/man/masculine or female/woman/feminine based on sex assigned at birth, rather than a continuum or spectrum of gender identities and expressions. The gender binary is considered to be limiting and problematic for those who do not fit neatly into the either-or categories.

Gender conforming: A person whose gender expression is consistent with cultural norms expected for that gender. According to these norms, boys and men are or should be masculine, and girls and women are or should be feminine. Not all cisgender people are gender conforming, and not all transgender people are gender nonconforming. (For example, a transgender woman may have a very feminine gender expression.)

Gender dysphoria: The medical diagnosis for being transgender as defined by the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition (DSM-5). The inclusion of gender dysphoria as a diagnosis in DSM-5 is controversial in transgender communities because it implies that being transgender is a mental illness rather than a valid identity. But because a formal diagnosis is generally required in order to receive or provide treatment in the United States, it does enable access to medical care for some people who wouldn’t ordinarily be eligible to receive it.

Gender expression: A person’s outward gender presentation, usually comprising personal style, clothing, hairstyle, makeup, jewelry, vocal inflection, and body language. Gender expression is typically categorized as masculine, feminine, or androgynous. All people express a gender. Gender expression can be congruent with a person’s gender identity, or not.

Genderfluid: Someone whose gender identity or expression shifts between man/masculine and woman/feminine or falls somewhere along this spectrum.

Gender identity: A person’s deep-seated, internal sense of who they are as a gendered being; the gender with which they identify themselves.

Gender marker: The designation (male, female, or another) that appears on a person’s official records, such as a birth certificate or driver’s license. The gender marker on a transgender person’s documents is their sex assigned at birth unless they legally change it, in parts of the world allowing that.

Gender nonconforming: A person whose gender expression is perceived as being inconsistent with cultural norms expected for that gender. Specifically, boys or men are not “masculine enough” or are feminine, while girls or women are not “feminine enough” or are masculine. Not all transgender people are gender nonconforming, and not all gender-nonconforming people identify as transgender. Cisgender people may also be gender nonconforming. Gender nonconformity is often inaccurately confused with sexual orientation.

Genderqueer: Someone whose gender identity is neither man nor woman, is between or beyond genders, or is some combination of genders.

Intersex: An umbrella term that describes a person with a genetic, genital, reproductive, or hormonal configuration that does not fit typical binary notions of a male or female body. Intersex is frequently confused with transgender, but the two are completely distinct. A more familiar term, hermaphrodite, is considered outdated and offensive.

LGBTQ: An acronym used to refer to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and/or questioning individuals and communities. LGBTQ is not a synonym for “nonheterosexual,” since that incorrectly implies that transgender is a sexual orientation. Variants include LGBT and LGBQ.

Nonbinary: A spectrum of gender identities and expressions, often based on the rejection of the gender binary’s assumption that gender is strictly an either-or option of male/man/masculine or female/woman/feminine based on sex assigned at birth. Terms include “agender,” “bi-gender,” “genderqueer,” “genderfluid,” and “pangender.”

Pronouns: Affirming pronouns are the most respectful and accurate pronouns for a person as defined by that person. It’s best to ask which pronouns a person uses. In addition to the familiar “he,” “she,” and “they,” newly created nongendered pronouns include “zie” and “per.”

Puberty suppression: A medical process that pauses the hormonal changes that activate puberty in young adolescents. The result is a purposeful delay of the development of secondary sexual characteristics (such as breast growth, testicular enlargement, facial hair, body fat redistribution, voice changes). Suppression allows more time to make decisions about hormonal interventions and can prevent the increased dysphoria that often accompanies puberty for transgender youth.

Queer: An umbrella term for a range of people who are not heterosexual and/or cisgender. It has been historically used as a slur; some have reclaimed it as affirming, while others still consider it derogatory.

Sexual orientation: A person’s feelings of attraction toward other people. A person may be attracted to people of the same sex, of the opposite sex, of both sexes, or without reference to sex or gender. Some people do not experience sexual attraction and may identify as asexual. Sexual orientation is about attraction to other people (external), while gender identity is a deep-seated sense of self (internal).

Transgender: Sometimes abbreviated as “trans,” an adjective used to describe a person whose gender identity does not match the biological sex they were assigned at birth. It can refer to a range of identities including transgender boys and men, people who identify as a boy or man but were assigned female at birth, and transgender girls and women, people who identify as a girl or woman but were assigned male at birth.

Transsexual: This is an older term that has been used to refer to a transgender person who has had hormonal or surgical interventions to change their body to be more aligned with their gender identity than with the sex that they were assigned at birth. While still used as an identity label by some, “transgender” has generally become the term of choice.

SOURCE: The Teaching Transgender Toolkit, by Eli R. Green and Luca Maurer.

Below is a link to an episode from the radio show, The American Life.  The episode was aired on December 31, 2016, entitled, “Transformers”.  The particular part of the episode I’m referring to is entitled, “Act 4: Trail Breaker”.  The episode is 56:00 minutes long; the part I’m focusing on starts at minute 44:00 in the show and lasts for 12 minutes.  It is the story, told by Andrew Greer, of his “coming out” to his parents (specifically his mother) when he was a teenager, as told to a TAL producer, Sean Cole.

As the episode progresses, Mr. Cole switches back and forth between Andrew and Andrew’s mother as the story is told by Andrew and recalled by his mother.  What is so interesting is the discrepancies between Andrew’s recall and his mother’s recall of his “coming out” and the events thereafter.

As I listened, I thought of the people I talk with, especially couples, in my office.  People will recount events that have occurred with other people in their lives….and to hear the other person’s recollection, I wonder, at times, if they are talking about the same event (their stories are so different)!

But what is of even greater importance to me as a therapist is the fact that both Andrew and his Mom came to erroneous conclusions about the event and the other person.

How often do we do this; experience an event from one perspective and make important decisions about ourselves, the other person, and life in general, and we don’t realize there is other perspectives of the event and other conclusions to be made?

Sometimes, when I see a couple struggling with this phenomenon, I’ll hold my clipboard up between the two people and ask them to tell me what color they primarily see.  Typically, one will say white (my progress notes) and the other says brown (the back of the clipboard).  Then I point out how both are right, both disagree with the other based on their experience and part of their current problem is based on this phenomenon.

Take a listen and think about this critical reality the next time you (or your partner) have a disagreement.

LINK to ACT 4:  https://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/572/transformers?act=4#play

FULL LINK:  https://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/572/transformers